Keepin' It Real ...

So yeah - still not completely back on track yet - but I am gettin' there. Managed to lose a pound and a half this week - I will take it.

Basically I think I am having an "early" mid-life crisis - ha! If that makes any sense.  It's not all weight related either - that is a big part of it but I just wake up everyday and I am just so completely bored with my life. My job is the WORST! I'm not ungrateful, I know I am lucky to have a job but I hate it more than anything else in this world. It is so boring and I feel like I waste so much of my life sitting at this desk wishing I was anywhere but here. I have disliked jobs before but this is beyond disliking at this point - I just don't care, don't care about the status of the compay, could care less if the place closed tomorrow, I would actually be extremely relieved! Don't care about the people I work with, I find myself cringing when one of them walks up to my desk - I NEED a change but the problem is I don't want to just go work in another office - I WANT something different!!

I am happy at home but even there I find myself pissed off at the same daily shit - go home make dinner, eat, clean the mess, do bathes, laundry, ironing, exercise, shower, go to bed - all in about 4 hours time - I don't sit down until I go to bed ... its the same thing EVERY. DAMN. DAY.  ... I am just getting so tired of it! I love my kids more than life itself but I find myself being so crabby with them lately. I sit at a job I hate all day long then I come home and work my ass off again - clean the house, they turn around and destroy it - so what is the point??

I'm just tired - worn out - and my diet/exercise has taken a back seat because of it. I hate what this blog has become - its turned into a place for me to bitch and moan and this is so not how I am. I am the one who is always happy and trying to please everyone else and lately I just want to be left alone.

I cut the grass yesterday and I sweated my ass off - it felt so good! I really do crave running, I love to sweat, it makes me feel powerful and like I actually accomplished something.

I have to get back to work - I have a million envelopes to stuff - woo friggin hoo ...

Next post will be positive - I just have to get this shit out of my head or it is going to explode!

No Friday Five Today ....

Sorry guys - I just can't shake this funk - I am trying!!!! I am going grocery shopping tonight to stock up on healthy foods and I will be back to posting daily next week ...

I saw this on another site today and I love it!! I needed to hear this today!!!!!!

Feels Like I'm Drowning ...

I'm stuck - stuck in a rut ... and it feels like I am drowning ... I know what I need to do but I feel like I start to do better and then something pulls me back under. It's like I can't get out of the water and I am getting weaker. I have been stuck at 173.5 for over a month now and it's really starting to piss me off. I can't even say I am at a plateau because I see a plateau as something that happens when you are still trying but not seeing results. I am flat out not even trying. I am eating what I want or whatever is around is more like it. I am not exercising. I am being super lazy. I feel like a friggin slug, all I want to do is sleep. I'm not sure where this tiredness and laziness is coming from but I really wish it would go away. I keep making excuses to not exercise and it's just plain dumb!

Seriously I could have lost another 10 lbs by now if I would give this some effort - but instead I have eaten the nasty azz pizza my husband orders, I have taken the kids for icecream and eaten way too much, I haven't counted a single friggin calorie in weeks, I haven't touched the treadmill in at least 2 weeks..... all of this disgusts me - I CAN NOT GO BACK!! It seriously is a miracle that I have not gained a ton of weight back, thank God for that!

I have to get back into thinking healthy - I can't keep doing this. You know why I feel so tired, why I feel so friggin lazy - it's because I have put nothing but junk into my mouth, I haven't gotten off my ass in days ... I need to move! I need to sweat! I need to feel alive!

I feel like all my posts lately are so negative and the "need to get on the wagon" posts ... I do NOT want my blog to turn into the girl who is always talking about getting back on track. I want to be the blog that inspires people, that shows people YES you CAN live a healthy life and be a working mom with limited free time. It is POSSIBLE to be healthy, to lose weight, to be a runner .... I can do all these things if I want to ...

Tonight my son has soccer practice - after that I don't care if aliens invade the planet my butt will be on that treadmill - I HAVE to get back on the mother friggin track now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday Five ....

Can't believe it's Friday again already and can't believe I haven't blogged about anything good this week - note to self: fix that woman! 

Ok so here are my 5 random questions for this week:

1. What ticks you off?
How long do you have?? Ha ha! I kid! .... Well #1. People that don't know how to drive, Oh Lord help me to not rip the person's head off that jumps in my lane and then decides to go 5 mph when I am in am already running late for work! Or those jerks that don't give you a wave when your nice enough to let them over  - I didn't have to let you over you know! Jerkbags!  ... and the other thing that ticks me off more than anything is people chewin' with their flippin mouth open!! There is a guy at my work that eats CHIPS regularly and I can hear him down the friggin street crunchin' on those things, I have never wanted to slap someone upside the head and ask - were you born in a friggin barn?!?!?! ... Seriously - chewing = mouth closed!!

2. What in your life has been an inspiration?
Well I could be cheesy and say my parents...  because they truly are an inspiration, they have taught me how to be a good person, to be honest and to put others before me - but that would be lame =) ... Other inspirations come from the numerous blogs I have found in the last year or so regarding weight loss - there are too many to name but if you ever want to be inspired to lose weight just take a look at some of these weight loss blogs - they truly are amazing!

3. Who do you admire the most?
Hmm ... this is tough - again I could say my parents (they really are awesome guys!) ... I am gonna go with them - I admire them so much more now that I am a parent. When you are a kid you take SO MUCH for granted! Now that I am the parent I realize just how hard it is and how hard you have to work to support your family and the many sacrifces you have to make when you have children. My parents had 3 kids and we all turned out as decent and kind people. We have all made our mistakes but our parents have always been there to help through each one. So I admire them for being the best parents they could be and if I am half the parent they were to me, I will consider myself accomplished!

4. What do you consider weird?

She is a total nutbag!!! Can't stand her!
5. Whats one weird fact about you ?
I have to have some kind of noise when I sleep - a fan, a tv, a radio ... I cannot sleep in complete silence! This drives my husband crazy =)

Have a GREAT weekend - Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!!

New Look ...

So I wanted to do something a little different with my blog - looks wise - and I did ... I really like it but I can't figure out if there is a way to remove the tabs they have at the top that say - home, about us, contact us ...etc... I don't really like having links to other websites - I really just want to take them off ... Anyone have an idea how to do this?!?!?

Thanks!!

Note to self....

This is something I need to say to myself and I need to get it out, otherwise I'm afraid of what is going to happen, so just bare with me -

Really??? Are you seriously going to come this far and then just slip back into old habits? You have finally found out what works for you and you are finally watching the scale go down and you're gonna screw all that up?? Are you a moron or what? - Counting calories may not be the most fun thing in the world but IT WORKS!! Working out is a bitch but IT WORKS! Staying away from the crappy foods, that taste so good is hard but IT WORKS!! .... So stop being lazy - get off your ass and get back to work - you've come a long way but you still have a looooooong way to go - now is not the time to get cocky, the compliments are great and they make you feel good but they will stop soon and then you will be back where you started ... Enough is enough - JUST DO IT!

Ok - so glad I got that out ... Obviously I have been strugglin, slackin, being lazy ... and for no good reason. I think I am getting comfortable - and I have been getting a ton of compliments so it makes you feel accomplished ya know. I feel like I have done something good - losing over 20 lbs is a big deal but it's not THAT big of a deal when you still have 30 - 40 lbs to go. Honestly I feel good ... I like the weight I am at now... If I had to stay at this weight I think I might be ok with that but I know I am not at a "healthy weight" yet and I know I can be better .... So it's time to buck up and get back at it.

I refuse to go back! 

Fun - Friday Five

Ok - so since I live an extremely boring life, most of the time, sometimes I find it hard to find things to blog about. So on Fridays unless something earth-shattering happens (not likely) I am just going to do a Friday Five. This will just reassure you that I am indeed a nut bag =)

I stole this from a blog archive on a random site - so it was totally not my idea but they are my answers =)

1. If you were suddenly unable to make any excuses, what could you realistically do today to address whatever in your life is keeping you from being healthy and happy?

Get off my ass!! I have been finding it so hard to get moving lately and I have no good excuse as to why not. I am not injured, I don't have THAT much going on that I can't find time to exercise.. I am just being lazy! Also, I'm not drinking my water - at all! The amount of diet soda I consume on a daily basis is pretty much disgusting, it's not normal for real!  .... So I could get off my ass and start drinking friggin water already and kick soda to the curb - I know those two things alone would definetly kick the weight loss into over drive!

2. What are your feelings about professional wrestling?

I friggin hate it!! The fakest crap I have EVER seen - if it comes on in a room, I immediately exit. Seriously the stuff makes my skin crawl! That said I used to watch Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, The Undertaker, Rick Flair, Jake the Snake and all those crazy guys every Saturday morning with my dad and brothers - thats when it was some what fun and I was too young for the fakeness to bother me ... I don't wrestle, I beat biatches up! (I will give you a million high fives if you can tell me what that is from).

3. What is the brightest, most colorful article of clothing you actually wear once in a while?

Oh Geeez ... I usually keep it pretty low key when it comes to clothing - mostly because I've been fat and wanted to kind of "blend in" ... so once this weight comes off it will be a full blown rainbow in my closet =) ... holla!

4. What’s something you do, not because you want to or because someone’s compelling you, but because it’s the right thing to do?

Dude, this is a pretty deep question for a Friday afternoon ... I got nothin' .....

5. What’s a food you’ll keep eating until it either runs out or someone stops bringing it to the table?

Tacobell - its the best but I would never want to know what is really in it ... if I ever found out it would ruin my life forever! Now that I am "watching what I eat" ... I still indulge in my TB from time to time, I just make it Fresco style baby ...


HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!!!

The Adorable Blog Award!

 Yay! My first blog award 8) ... Thanks so much to Hilary over at The Big Weight for giving me this totally awesome award 8) - She is such a sweatheart so if you haven't checked out her blog - do so now! She is on a mission just like me and I can't wait to see her succeed in all of her goals!

So here we go ...

The Rules:

• Thank the person who gave you the award with a link to their blog. 
• Tell us 10 things about yourself.
• Nominate other bloggers and let them know about the award.

10 Things About Me:
1. I love being a mom more than anything else in my life - it's what I was born to do.
2. I have a phobia of bandaids - they are disgusting and if one touches me I will gag, if my kids get hurt I send them to daddy to get a bandaid - don't know where this came from but I just don't like those things. I'm weird!
3. I also do not like gum - I can barely say the word without gagging - this has been for as long as I can remember, never chewed, never wanted to chew it, would NEVER kiss a guy chewing it ... told you I was weird!
4. I met my husband on the internet - we did go to the same high school but never talked then.
5. I'm a middle child, I have an older brother and an younger brother - I am close to both and love being the only girl 8)
6. I hate my job with a passion - I am a secretary and its beyond boring - I would love to do something else but don't really have the time for school and work while trying to raise kids.
7. I secretly love Eminem and love to shake my groove thang to ganster rap when no one is looking - but take me out and give me a few drinks and I will shake it while people ARE looking ... ha!
8. I am addicted to diet coke - seriously it's bad. I've tried several times to stop drinking it - if there were a diet coke addicts group - I would consider joining. If there were a patch - I would consider wearing it. Seriously you have no idea!
9. I hate that I have had to deal with my weight all my life and I am so ready to get it off once and for all and never have to deal with it again.
10. I once had my belly button pierced but it got infected so I took it out - it was cool while it lasted though 8).

So now you know a little bit more about me and here are a few blogs I want to give the award to - check them out because they are pretty awesome!

Brandi aka Momma Laughlin over at The Laughlin's
Kelly over at Happy Texans
TJ over at TJ's Test Kitchen
Darci over at My Road To Weight Loss

I love all these ladies - they are such great inspiration and help me get through my day - check them out, you will love them too!  Thanks again Hilary for my first award!!

Weigh-In and Re-Evaluation

So today was weigh-in day, I did have a loss since last week - down to 173.5 (again) ... While I should be happy with a loss I still kind of disappointed in myself.  I am going back and forth on the scale - I weighed 173.5 3 weeks ago - I could be in the 160's by now.. I need to get myself together! While I definitely enjoyed my "week off" and still think that it is ok to do that every once in awhile, I have also definitely found it hard to get back into the swing of things. I find myself starting to track my food at the beginning of the day but then by the end of the day I am just eating what I "think" is right and not really calculating - for me that is dangerous! That is why I had to quit doing Weight Watchers points - because if I didn't know the points for something I started guesstimating and that just didn't work. I have also been slacking in the exercise department - last night I literally had to drag myself onto the treadmill. I am still kind of shocked I even did it. I dreaded every minute of it and I was miserable - this is not good! I need to - want to - exercise and up until now, I have had that craving for some kind of physical activity, I love to sweat!

So after dealing with all of this and thinking it over I think it is time for some re-commiting, I CANNOT give up at this point - it's not an option! ...  I still have a loooooong way ahead of me! ... So I have decided, no more "breaks" until I am at least to my goal and even then, nothing crazy, lol. I want to go back to setting small goals and having something to work towards. My first mini-goal will be to be in the 160's by my birthday, which is June 27th - so 3 weeks to lose 4.5 lbs - I can do that! I also want to challenge myself to track EVERYDAY for a month - if I can do it for a month I just might make it a permanent habit. I always do well during the week while going to work - its easy to stick to routine there. But like most others, the weekends always kill me. I NEVER track on the weekends - I just try to "watch" what I eat - gotta break this habit! The other challenge is I want to work out at least 5 days a week - I know things come up and your body just needs rest sometimes but I think 5 days is a good number for me.

So here are my goals thus far:
1. Be in the 160's by my birthday, June 27th.
2. Track my calories - EVERYDAY.
3. Workout at least 5 days a week.

I am also changing my weigh in days to Wednesday - just because I feel like changing it up a bit.

So here is to recommiting myself and getting back at it! It's my choice - and I choose to kill this fat once and for all 8)      

A taste of camping....

So we went swimming in the river over the weekend - The Husband took me where he goes camping and has gone since he was a youngin' 8) ... We left at 7:30 AM and got home around 12:30 AM - so it was a long day but it was fun!!

First time for me swimming in the river and my boys too - they loved it! We were all a little unsure at first, and I was having doubts after seeing my first water snake coming right at me, I didn't know this big girl could move that fast! ha ha ha! I don't do snakes, they pretty much scare the crap out of me!

So we swam, did some fishing, swam some more - went into "town" to get some icecream and then we built a fire and roasted some weinees 8) It really was a relaxing day - I think I am ready for the real deal now!

Here are a few pics from our trip ....

The boys ready to go swimming!!!

Layton with his turtle - momma almost got ran over picking up on the way there. Country folks don't mess around when they drive - stay out of their way!!

Me acting goofy by the fire - "camping" puts us all in a great mood! Love the quiet, no plans, no phones, no computers... just relaxation!! Love it!

Me and the boys waiting for the fire to get hot .. The husband was there just not in any of the pics 8)

Hope you all had a great weekend too - I'll be back tomorrow for weigh in ...



I have a choice ....

So yesterday the husband so lovingly reminded me that I need to get my arse back on the treadmill! - At first I thought - who does he think he is? He doesn't exercise, he sits on the couch playing video games while I run and sweat, he eats crazy fattening foods while I watch what I eat and try to make better choices - but then I woke up and said at least he cares and realizes that this is important to me and that the choices I have been making have been making a difference - he wants me to succeed because he knows it will make me a better me, it will make me happy. So then I put on my big girl panties, got my running shoes on and I ran!  It felt AMAZING! I haven't ran in over a week - took the whole week of "staycation" off and my body was craving exercise! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, I thought I would be struggling and honestly before I jumped on the treadmill I had thoughts of just skipping one more day and "taking it easy" - but then I made a choice, I chose to Just Do It!

While running I had this sort of light bulb moment - I guess you could call it that. I realized that the weight loss, the becoming healthy and the changing my life are all results of the choices I make and only my choices. No one else can choose to exercise for me, no one else can choose to skip the cake and icecream - it is all up to me and MY choices.

The hamburger or the apple? - It's my choice ....

To be a wimp or to be strong? - It's my choice......

What am I going to do to change? - It's my choice....

And this just doesn't apply to weight loss - I see so many miserable people, I work with a lot of them! But I truly believe that they CHOOSE to be that way - life is what you make it! If you are unhappy it's because you choose to be - you get out of life what you put into it. Same goes for relationships, jobs, WEIGHT LOSS - if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.... think about it!

So what choice are you going to make? Are you going to choose to skip that workout today and relax because you're just too tired? Are you going to choose to go to that fast food place because you just don't feel like cooking a healthy meal? Or are you going to choose to fight, choose to make better choices, choose to make a better you? - It's YOUR choice ...

I think you can!